Transcript | Transcript (Text Only)
Mr. Bond?
Yes?
I’m Lieutenant Mathis of the Special Police.
These are my credentials.
They appear to be in order.
Come with me.
They used to say a good spy is a pure spy, inside and out. Roses, Tanagra figurines and Debussy. He plays Debussy every afternoon, from sunset until it’s too dark to read the music. Stands on his head a lot, eats royal jelly. Lets his intestines down and washes them by hand. Something he learned during his sojourn in Tibet.
M, what gives?
I forgot to mention lions.
Lions and more lions.
We’re surrounded by lions.
I did not come here to be devoured by symbols of monarchy!
I warn you, M, if this is a trap…
Calm yourselves, gentlemen. It’s no trap, I assure you. The lions are only curious. He has few visitors.
That I can believe.
A veritable Eden, is it not, gentlemen?
“Eden without an Eve is an absurdity.”
“A good spy is a pure spy.”
Not good. Great. The greatest spy in history, gentlemen.
The true, one and only, original James Bond.
The gentlemen are here, Sir James.
Thank you.
My dear Bond.
My dear M.
Ransome, CIA, Sir James.
J-Junior cipher c-cIerk in m-my day, weren’t you, Ransome?
Uh, yes, sir. JCC, uh, class G, SIC to SCCT. Uh…CIA, Washington D.C.
Smernov, KGB, Sir James.
Ah, yes. Uh, the L-Labor camp inspector.
Ikon 988, KPU, Siberian sector.
I remember your ch-chap Lenin very well. First-class organizer, second-class mind.
Le Grand, Sir James. Deuxième bureau.
Promoted at last from the vice, uh, detail?
How incredibIy well you Iook, James.
Time, my dear M, does not exist within these walls.
They ain’t for real.
Yes, a far cry from our embattled world.
In my day, spying was an alternative to war. And the spy was a member of a select and immaculate priesthood, vocationally d-devoted, sublimely disinterested.
Thank you.
Hardly a description of that sexual acrobat who leaves a t-trail of beautiful d-dead women like blown roses behind him.
You mean, um…
You know very weII who I mean. That b-bounder to whom you gave my name and number.
My dear James, when you left us we were a small service, under-financed, ludicrously ill-equipped. It was essential that your legend be maintained. Without a James Bond oh-oh seven, no one would have respected us.
Him and his wretched g-gadgets.
Well, we must make use of the weapons of our time.
So I observe. You, Ransome, with your trick carnation that s-spits cyanide. You ought to be ashamed.
The Russians started it.
And you, Smernov, with an armory concealed in your grotesque boots. Listen to them t-tinkle. And you, Le Grand, with a different deadly poison in each of your fly buttons. And you, M, with your flame-throwing fountain pens. Y-Y-You’re joke-shop spies, gentlemen.
We are in the last haIf of the 20th century, Sir James. Even you have to face it.
Why shouId I, when I can face that, instead? Look at my garden. Out there, there is a b-black rose. Not dark red, but black. As a raven’s wing at midnight.
Gentlemen, I wouId not exchange one single petal of that lovely flower for anything your world has to offer, including an Aston M-Martin complete with lethal accessories.
You have only contempt for the proletariato, Sir James. This we know.
If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’d lost your faith in democracy.
Look James, you can break the bloody glass, but you can’t hold back the weather. Things are bad. Very bad. I’ve Iost 11 agents in the last fortnight, seven killed, four missing.
Is it too much to hope that my namesake among them?
He may well be tomorrow.
Eight of ours have been given the works…two in the Pentagon!
Sixteen!
KGB is depIeted! I’m not at liberty to disclose exact figures.
The enemy has penetrated our most secret inner circles.
He reads our very mind.
For all we know, he has his eye on us now. Sighting us in.
Are you quite sure he is not one or m-more of you?
Oh, no, uh, no.
Absolutely sure.
Until this danger is past, we must stand united in the defense of all spies, everywhere, great or small, regardIess of nationality.
Calamity makes strange b-bedfellows, but why, I wonder, in the strength of your unity, do you disturb an old fashioned gentleman in his retirement?
We need your inspirational leadership in this dark hour.
Please give us the benefit of your incomparable powers of deduction.
For the freedom-Ioving peoples of the world!
For the sake of the glorious socialist revolution.
If I may interrupt this flow of cliché, it is now that time of day I have set apart for Debussy.
Can this be the man who won a Victoria Cross at Mafeking?
The hero of the Ashanti Uprising?
What genius to be wasted in the service of a crumbling empire!
But why, why, at the height of his powers, did Bond decide to retire?
Mata Hari, my dear friend.
What’s the connection?
The woman in his life.
I don’t get it.
It was his painful duty to lure her across the Spanish frontier into France, where we stood her in front of a firing squad.
He really loved that woman.
Well, James?
I’m sorry, old man, b-but what you ask is quite impossible.
Perhaps, this will change your decision.
My record speaks my loyalty. But no, not even for her, McTarry.
Sorry, James.
There’s McTarry’s signal! Stand by!
Zero!
On!
Fire!
Fire!
Up 200!
Authority to Control.
Go ahead!
Proceed with Smersh Plan B. Sir James Bond is back, with his morals, his vows, and his celibate image. We must destroy that image.
Riverbank to Control.
Receiving you, go ahead.
The target has just entered Scotland.
M’s castle to Control.
M’s name is McTarry. Use it.
Plan B in operation. McTarry Castle completely occupied, with only one change. Agent Mimi is now M’s widow.
Agent Mimi impersonating Lady Fiona?
Well, she has the best Scots accent.
And that’s all that’s left of the McTarry.
Your husband d-died as he lived, Lady Fiona. In the service of Her M-Majesty. I thought it would be my p-p-p-painful duty to imp-part the news. How did you know your husband M…I’m sorry, McTarry…was dead?
We were told.
Might I ask who told you?
The Grey Piper.
The who?
Tell Sir James about the Grey Piper, lass.
Whenever a McTarry dies, he comes down from the mountain, over the loch and through the heather, playing the clan lament. We always put a tappit hen of usquebaugh outside the castle door.
T-T-T-Tappit hen?
A quart o’ whisky.
Is he a real p-p-p-piper?
We dinna ken. But it’s been the same one for 600 years.
Naught else remains?
Nothing to s-speak of, I’m afraid. It was found in a tree, 100 yards from where he-he-he stood. Took off, as it were, and flew like a b-b-bird. But whether it is an article of apparel or an an-anatomical f-feature, that is the question. Should it be given Christian burial? Just how p-personal is a toupee?
It can onIy be regarded as a “hairloom.” Eliza, put it with all the other relics of McTarry glory. We all ken that our beloved McTarry of the Glen was a different man in Whitehall. But McTarry women never ask questions. According to clan tradition, when the laird dies, a black he-goat must be ta’en alive off Ben Tarry by six barefoot virgins. I myseIf slaughter it. The daughters wrest the stomach out, and stuff it wi’ entrails.
Bright entrails.
Sear it, boil it, and serve it up.
And…eat it?
Warm reekin’.
S-Sounds d-delicious.
We start feastin’ at midnight, washin’ the haggis down wi’ usquebaugh. One gives strength to the limbs, the other fire to the blood for dancin’.
D-D-Dancing?
The McTarry funeral fling. “Argar, argar garar goru argar” it goes.
Most m-moving.
Ah, we dance till we fall in our tracks. And after an hour’s repose, the piper wakes us to the tune o’ “Awa’ to the Grouse,” and awa’ we go to the memorial grouse shoot.
B-But surely the grouse are not in, in season?
Whenever a McTarry dies, the grouse come into season.
I’m Heather.
I’m Meg. Your bath’s ready, Sir James
Thank you.
At the end of the passage.
Very kind of you.
Let us help you out o’ your duddies.
No, thank you. I can manage m-my…
We always helped Daddy.
How many…of you are there? D-D-Daughters, I mean.
Eleven in all.
Eleven? M-My word. And how do the, the ages…Ho-ho-ha-ha! Ages, run? Who is the? How young is the youngest?
Sixteen.
And the, and the eldest?
Nineteen.
Do you mean there are only…? Ha-h-ha! Be careful, that’s my loose kneecap. Do you mean there are only three years between all…Ho-ho! A11 of you?
Some of us are adopted daughters.
I see. Oh. Steady. Uhh, are there any, any m-men in the house?
Nane but the pipers. My daddy only liked the lassies.
Your, your daddy really was a, a d-different man in Whitehall.
I’m testing the temperature of the water, as I always did for my daddy. He used to call me his little thermometer. Well? Get in.
Get in?
Get in!
You’re sure I’m not c-crowding you?
Get in. Ah! Do you like your back scrubbed?
Thank you. What is your n-name, my dear?
Buttercup.
How, um… old are you?
Seventeen.
Do you, um… go to school?
Daddy taught us. There. You’re as sleek as a baby. Now, turn round.
What form are you in?
Can ye nae judge that for yourseIf, Sir James?
What is your favorite subject?
Anatomy. That’s your mediastinum. That’s your orbicularis oris. That’s your azygos vein. That’s your articular cartilage, and those are your synovial membranes.
Right, right.
It’s getting gae cold!
Right.
My daddy liked it hotter.
I am not your d-da…Quite.
Thank you.
To the laird!
To the laird!
To your right, Sir James…Lady Mary, daughter of Lord Douglas McTarry, raped by the Campbells in 1622. In retaliation of which, Lord Douglas sent his only son Hamish out to rape twa Campbell lassies.
At the same t-t-t-time?
Eldest first, of course. As prescribed by scripture. The youngest bore him triplets. Their union being thus bounteously blessed, a contract of marriage was entered into, which brought the McTarrys Black Loch, Ben Torn, the Shags of Raugh, Glen Noch, and a good stretch of salmon water.
All the best. I say, does she…?
Good night, ladies.
Sleep I’ve had nane for thinkin’ on my dearie. All the long night I wake, grovelin’ in grief. Comfort me, Jamie lad. Gi’e me your bosom to weep on. Doodle me, Jamie.
Really, madam!
I hereby claim my widow’s due according to McTarry tradition. Let me be comforted. Doodle me!
A quaint custom, but one more honored in the, the breach than in the observance.
Then you’ll have to pay the piper!
The p-piper?
You heard me, you mim-mou’d, ill-willie coof! You’ll have to pay the piper! Robin! Jacques! Sandy! You’ve been challenged to warsle with Sir James.
Ah. He wants to warsIe.
I haven’t… warsled for years. I may be a little out of p-p-p-practice.
Play ball!
Ha! Superbe! Formidable!
Splendide! Bravo! Magnifique. Mais…
Surprising how qu-quickly it all c-comes back. Ah, well. A little b-beauty sleep before the grouse shoot, perhaps?
Beaters! Follow Marie over to the butts! Eliza, stay here with me for the countdown!
Oh, my love…is like a red, red rose…that’s newly sprung in June.
Fire, Mission!
Roger.
Fuse alarm missiles!
Roger.
Supercharge!
Roger.
Fire!
The button! The button! Oh, beloved!
Ah. Good of you to join me.
The button! The button!
She’s with him!
Magnetic! Homing device! Which button is it? Let me look!
Ah. There’s a knife in my pocket.
See!
Ah. Take off my braces.
Huh?
My braces. And now, madam, if you’d be kind enough to furnish a few answers.
Our orders were to corrupt you, to befoul your image of yourself. Failing that, we were to kill you.
I see.
Look! They’ve found the button.
Who g-g-g-gave you these orders?
Authority. International Mothers’ Help, East Berlin.
Jolly good sport, what? You’re wounded.
Tis but a thimbleful. But heart’s blood. Farewell, Jamie.
My dear.
Oh! Again. Say it again. James Bond. My jo James. James Bond, my jo.
My dear.
One more request. The last. Think of me as the second woman in your life. The one after Mata Hari. Kiss me, Jamie. Kiss me goodbye.
Madam! Are you quite sure you’re dying?
Not dying… but giving up my life! I’m going to another world! There’s a convent over that hill.
Control to authority: Bond leaving Scotland now. Instructions understood.
Jag to Dairy. Contact in position. Get ready to deliver milk.
Dairy to Jag. Understood. Stand by, Remote Control.
Remote control ready.
Speed ready. Distance ready.
Start milk float.
Contact.
Distance 75 yards.
Accelerating.
Prime detonators.
Check.
Check.
Gap has widened.
30 yards.
Retract detonators.
Check.
Check.
Hold it. He’s too close.
Dropping speed.
Ignore Jag. Increase speed.
Distance gauge failing.
Vision failing. No vision.
Switch to automatic control. Hello, Jag. Are you receiving me?
Drop speed! I’m in direct line! Jag to Dairy. Drop speed now!
Hello, Jag. Come in, Jag. Detonators out.
Out.
Ts, ts, ts, ts, ts, ts.
Good Lord! Moneypenny. You haven’t changed a bit.
Actually, I’m Miss Moneypenny’s daughter.
How is your dear mother?
After you left the service, she took the vows.
That seems to be the in thing to do these days. I must say, this place brings back a few memories.
Yes, Mother told me some of them.
She probably aIso told you that I’m partial to jasmine tea.
Jasmine tea, sir?
Lapsang Souchong. By the way, Moneypenny, since I came in here have you noticed me stammer?
No, sir.
Splendid, let me know if I do. I haven’t got time for that now.
Uh, will you be needing me tonight, sir?
Very probably. If I’m to take over this department, I have to know all of M’s secrets. Not his personal ones, of course. Hmm?
May I say welcome back, Sir James.
Ah. Thank you, um…
Hadley, sir.
Of course, Hadley. Now you were, uh…
My father’s son, sir.
That’s right, and where is your dear father now?
The same place, sir.
Well, that’s encouraging. You’d better bring me up to date. Who is on what assignment?
Well, it’s not a very happy picture, sir.
Why are the black fIags there?
They’ve been liquidated, I’m afraid, sir. Uh, Finland…stabbed to death in a ladies’ sauna bath, sir. Uh, Madrid…burnt in a blazing bordello, sir. And Tokyo, sir…Garrotted in a geisha house.
It’s depressing that the word “secret agent” has become synonymous with “sex maniac.” Incidentally, where is my namesake?
We’ve had to take him off the board, sir. He’s now doing television.
Oh. Why are the two flags here in the Caribbean?
We’ve been out of contact for a month, sir. We’re not sure which one to leave.
Who’s there?
Your nephew, sir. Uh, Jimmy Bond.
Oh. Rather a disappointment, I’m afraid…little Jimmy.
Listen… You can’t shoot me. I, uh…I, uh I have a very low threshold of death. My doctor says I can’t have bullets enter my body at any time. I… I… uh… uh… oh… oh…What if I said I was pregnant? Oh, uh… Oh. Uh…Uh… C-could I have a Iast c-cigarette? I’m gonna give it up any day now I… Mmm.mmm thank you. Um… Oh. Um.
Listos!
Uh…You realize this means an angry letter to The Times!
Apunten! Fuego!
So long, suckers! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Apunten! Fuego!
And so I think we’d better count him out, sir.
Yes. Hadley, we’re up against an opposition of fiendish ingenuity. They make incredible use of women.
Yes, they tend to nowadays, sir.
Female spies harassed me in Scotland. Female spies chased me to London…We need an A.F.S.D.
Sir?
Anti-Female-Spy Device. We find the one man all women want, and then we train him not to want women.
All our wantable agents have disappeared, sir.
Ah, this is where you come in, Moneypenny. I want you to go through all the auxiIiary files.
The lot, sir? It’ll take all night.
Your mother did some of her best work at night.
Shall we continue?
Mhmm!
And what is your name?
Cooper, Big Eyes. But don’t be formal, call me Coop.
Sounds like something for keeping birds.
That’s me.
I really have to note your qualifications.
Height six-foot, two and a half, 184 pounds. Trophies for karate and judo, holder of the Kamasutra black belt.
Very impressive. How do you spell that?
I’II show you.
I have to check 15 more auxiliaries in alphabetical…
Good, we’ll call Mr. Zacharias and tell him not to wait up. The vacancy’s just been filled.
A first-class performance, Cooper. Excellent. Excellent. Your primary statistics seem to fit the bill.
We aim to please, sir.
You will start your A.F.S.D. training immediateIy. Moneypenny, get a few dozen girls for Cooper to start with. Moneypenny.
Ugh, a few dozen girls…
I appreciate your confidence, sir.
From now on, all remaining agents and trainees will be known as James Bond 007, including the girls.
Won’t that be rather confusing, sir?
The enemy won’t know which way to turn. You are now James Bond.
Congratulations, 007.
And you, 007. Uh, sir.
Good hunting, 007.
Doesn’t that do something to you, 007?
It does. But I’m being trained to ignore it. Beauty’s only skin deep.
How about some skin diving?
Not today, Lorelei. Right. Ting-Ling.
You know that every fifth child born in the world is Chinese?
Tell them from now they’ll have to keep it up without me.
Oh, why are you so inscrutable? I thought that was supposed to be our racket.
You might be a doubIe agent.
What wouId you do if I was?
Whether you are or whether you’re not, sayonara. Next. Shirley. You’re not Shirley.
No. I’m the new secret weapon. And I’ve just been perfected.
Yes, haven’t you?
They’ve kept me under wraps.
Lucky them. What do you do that’s so secret?
I don’t do anything. But unless you’re one of them, you do. Hey! You’re really learning to put up quite a resistance.
Goes against my nature, you know,
I sense that too. What are you doing after the exercise?
Getting my head examined.
Our security man in Delhi tells us gold will be up two points by midday tomorrow.
Buy gold.
The French say that you can have it. But it will cost you three nuclear warheads.
Offer two.
Your offer for Rockefeller Center has been accepted.
Sell it. I’ve changed my mind. I like London. What about Lord Nelson’s statue?
It was delivered today, Miss Lynd.
My dear Miss Lynd.
Who are you, sir?
I am Sir James Bond.
But I thought you were retired, Sir James.
The whole world believes you were eaten by a shark, Miss Lynd.
That was no shark, that was my personal submarine. But enough of this polite conversation. What is the purpose of your visit?
I desperately need your help.
My dear Sir James, I hardly ever undertake assignments these days.
I can see why, but I think I can persuade you to undertake this one.
Your reputation is remarkable. But believe me when I say I save all my energies for business.
Hehehe…I have here a writ for just over £5 million tax arrears. If you were to be cooperative, Miss Lynd, I could arrange easy payments and a substantial discount?
Uh…Perhaps we should discuss this matter in comfort, Sir James.
Ah, thank you. What a charming outfit that is. Do you often wear that in the office?
If I wore it in the street, people might stare. You said, Sir James, you needed my help.
Yes, I did, didn’t I? I have a dossier on a man who works at the Buckingham Club. His name is Evelyn Tremble.
Mr. Evelyn Tremble?
Yes, that’s right.
Isn’t Evelyn a girl’s name?
No, it’s mine, actually. Do you know me from somewhere?
Your book: Tremble On Baccarat. I’ve studied it very closely. At night. In my bed.
Is that where you study it?
There are several passes you describe in your book, which I don’t fuIIy understand.
Which passes are these?
Oh, they’re all marked. I would have to have my book. Your book.
And my book is in…
My bed.
You’re winning tonight.
I’ll send my car for you.
Yes?
Hello. It’s me, Evelyn Tremble.
Oh, hello, Mr. Tremble. Can you hold on for a moment? Eric? Don’t forget to empty the deep freeze first thing in the morning, okay? Ooh, hello, Mr. Tremble. I’m so sorry to keep you waiting, but I was just seeing someone off. Come right up, all right?
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
So nice of you to come.
My pleasure.
This way.
The look of love
Is in your eyes
A look your smile can’t disguise
The look of love
It’s saying so much more
Than just words could ever say
And what my heart has heard
Well, it takes my breath away
I can hardly wait to hold you
Feel my arms around you
How long I have waited
Waited just to love you
Now that I have found you
You’ve got the look of love
It’s on your face
The look that time can’t erase
Hello.
That’s, uh… That’s Lord Nelson, isn’t it?
Yes. Isn’t he beautiful?
Yes.
And do you know what he said?
What?
“England expects every man to do his duty.”
So he did, yes. But, um…This is Mayfair. Lord Nelson’s in Trafalgar Square, surely.
No, not any more. He’s mine. Haven’t you read the papers today?
I don’t normally get them quite so early.
I get ’em before they’re printed.
I suppose you can do anything if you have money.
Why don’t you come down to me?
Thank you very much. Lovely place you’ve got down there.
Sit here. I do so like to feel comfortable whatever I’m doing.
Oh, yes indeed. Yes. The more relaxed the muscles, the better the synchronization between mind and body.
I should think you’re frightfully synchronized, Mr. Tremble. Martini?
What about them?
I was just about to offer you one. The things I didn’t understand too well in your book. Let me see…Was it in chapter seven or chapter six?
Chapter six probably. Though of course…it couId have been chapter seven. Have you got the book or is it… still in your bed?
I believe it is.
Well, we’d better go right through the book, hadn’t we? Do you get many complaints from the neighbors?
Do you really think that your system is completely faultless?
Which system?
Your system for winning at baccarat.
Yes, yes. The, um…Evelyn Tremble system is…faultless.
Good. Come on. We have more to do.
More?
I Iike a man who is able to retain his own personality, no matter what the circumstances.
Oh, yes.
No matter how he’s dressed. You know what they say. It’s the clothes that make the man. And if we’re gonna work together, I have to know what kind of a man you are.
Oh, I thought you might have gathered a little from, uh…
If you can spare the time I want to see what happens when you put on a different hat, a costume. You know, that sort of thing.
Oh. Oh, you like that sort of thing, eh?
You’ll find some clothes in there. Put them on.
Oh, eh…If you think it’s really necessary.
Unless you’d Iike to go around one more time.
One more time? Oh…There is nothing wrong with the British Army that a damn good swim won’t cure.
Now. Evelyn Tremble. 38 years old, born in Highgate.
Hello, sailor. The wrong one, yes?
Perfect. Distinguishing birthmark, little scar on right shoulder, strawberry-shaped birthmark on left thigh.
Well, there’s nothing unusual in that.
No. I myself have an apricot one on my hip.
Well, I’II show you my strawberry if you’ll show me your apricot.
Author of a book on baccarat. Have you ever heard of a man called Le Chiffre?
Oh, yes. An excellent card player. He once wrote me a fan letter.
Ooh! Keep your hands there. Perfect. Lovely.
I devoted a chapter to him in my book. His forte is baccarat.
Besides baccarat, he deals in lechery.
Well, nobody’s perfect.
Do you think, uh, you can win against Le Chiffre?
Well, you’ll remember that in order to operate my system completely free of risk, a stake of £100,000 is required.
Oh, yes, I remember. Stand still.
Huh?
I’m gonna give you…a 500th at F2.
That’s the nicest thing that anyone’s ever said to me.
What would you say if I offered to stake you in a game against Le Chiffre?
What?
I put up the money, you play the game and we split 50-50.
Hmmm…I think I’ll go now if you don’t mind.
What’s wrong?
I enjoyed the earlier part of this evening very much. I shall always remember the, uh, pleasure of your company. I didn’t even mind this dressing-up bit. But I do mind bloody unnecessary jokes about the one thing I really know well.
Listen Evelyn, I’m serious. It’s because you really know about baccarat that I’m not joking. You said you needed £100,000?
Mm.
It’s yours.
That’s fantastic! Oh, but Iook here, I mean…Old Le Chiffre would never agree to play me. He’s read my book. He’d recognize my name.
No, no. Not any more.
Why?
We have chosen a new name for you.
Oh?
James Bond.
Welcome to the James Bond 007 training school.
Oh, it’s a small Minnox camera, isn’t it?
Security, sir.
Yes, a friend of mine’s got one of those.
Eh, yes, It’s Mr. Bond, isn’t it?
Uh, yes.
If you’d be good enough to sign here, sir. It’s not for me. It’s for the Official Secrets Act.
Yes, of course.
Eyes…hup! Hyah! Hup!
Carry on, Sergeant Major.
Yes, sir. Mark time! Halt! About turn.
You really do stock everything at Harrod’s, don’t you?
Oh, I shouldn’t pay to much attention to what you see going on here. It’s all basic stuff.
Uh.
It’ll be out of date by the January sales.
Ya! Ya!
Good morning, Johnson.
Sir!
Uh…ooh! May I tell you something? I’m being followed.
Oh, yes I know. It’s part of the training. Shadowing people without being seen.
Yes, but the whole point of this is I can quite clearly see the man who is shadowing me.
Oh! Him. You don’t want to worry about him. He’s not one of our trainees. He’s our security man.
I see.
Ah, good morning, Inspector. Don’t let me interrupt you.
On the command, the head is turned thus, the hat is aimed thus, the gun is fired thus.
Yes, we’re…still working on that one. Now to Agents’ Outfitting. Ah. Here we are.
Morning, Q.
Good morning, Fordyce. New man.
Mmmm! If I could bother you for the signature, sir…
Signature, yes.
I shouIdn’t use that pen, sir. The moment the nib touches the, uh, paper it releases a stream of poisonous gas into the writer’s eye.
Good heavens! What’ll they think of next? I won’t be going near that. I suppose it’d come in quite useful if you ever wanted to send anyone a…
…poison-pen letter.
Yes, all our new men say that. I usually reply, “I don’t wish to know that. Kindly leave MI5.”
Yes, sir. We have a very highly developed sense of humor down here.
It isn’t the only thing that’s highly developed down here. Fordyce!
Sir?
Wristwatch.
Sir?
Mmm? Oh.
1965 Rolex Oyster Perpetual. Date indicator and log table around the outer band.
And a thing that shows you what shape the moon is.
Lovely!
Now, this is very important. Try it on.
Hmm?
Let me help you.
Oh, thank you,
It’s your means of reporting to us and our means of contacting you. Now…channel 6! Fordyce.
Don’t worry too much about him, sir. Channel six it is, sir.
They all look the same.
I don’t think I know which one is which myself now, sir.
No, no.
Now, look at your watch and teII me what you see.
It’s five and 20 minutes past 11. It’s the 14th of March and…
I said channeI six, Fordyce.
Well, nobody’s perfect.
That is absolutely amazing! I’ve never seen anything like this. It’s just as if we were in the same room.
It’s a two-way television and radio wristwatch. It’s, uh, an American idea. They got it from one of their comic strips.
Good heavens.
Ah! Tea.
Three lumps.
It’s an incredible thing, this.
Uh, which side do you, uh… dress, sir?
Uh, I usually dress away from the window.
It’s just some, uh, protective cIothing, sir.
I see.
Let me, uh, help you out of your hampering things.
Oh.
And it is of course Sanforized, sir, non-iron, and also available in chocolate, oyster or clerical grey. It’s hand-reefed and of course double-charvered.
Is it? Hm. This seems to be a little bit tight around the the, uh…
Poison capsule compartment?
Yes.
Well I’m sure we can, uh, let it out above the uh, switch, uh, blade and uh, combined Geiger counter down there.
Do what you can, Fordyce. Now, your intercom button’s in here, with midget transmitters suitable for short-range contacts. Uh, there’s an infrared camera in here, a tape recorder in the shouIder padding, a Beretta in the buttonhole. Buttonhole, Fordyce. Oh, and a cute little minigun in the gusset.
Yes. Um, just one thing. What happens if I suddenly need to go somewhere?
In this, sir? You’ll find safety instructions under the left lapel.
Oh, don’t worry. You’re in…very good hands here.
Mm… Now this won’t hurt a bit, sir.
“Who g-g-gave you these orders?”
“International Mothers’ Help, East Berlin.”
Well there it is, Hadley. Our only clue. The voice of a beautiful woman.
We’ve checked it out, sir. International Mothers’ Help is a Smersh cover operation, sir. It supplies babysitters and au pair girls to some of the most important families.
Then it must be infiltrated by someone absolutely reliable.
I hope you weren’t thinking of me, sir.
As a matter of fact, I was thinking of Mata.
You can’t mean Mata Hari, sir.
No, her daughter, Mata Bond.
Mata Bond, sir?
Yes, her mother gave her that name because I happen to be the child’s sort of godfather.
And to think that you knew Mata Hari, sir! She really was one of the greats.
Yes. Great little dancer, terrible spy. Whereas young Mata is a terrible dancer. Might be a great little spy.
It’s uncanny. Quite uncanny. What memories it brings back. Paris, Berlin, Vienna. How madly we danced through the night. I was disguised as a Hungarian hussar…
What are you going on about?
You’re the very image of your mother and every bit as beautiful.
You knew my mum?
I am Sir James Bond.
Daddy!
My child!
Snail’s egg?
No, thank you. They don’t agree with me.
Well. You’re a charmer, aren’t you? Dump me in an orphanage when I’m three years old, and now, because you need me…
Well, it really was very difficult, you see, at that time, my career was at its height…
Well it was a traumatic experience, I can tell you. You know it’s no joke being the illegitimate daughter of Mata Hari and James Bond.
Still, you do get my monthIy paychecks?
Your monthly paychecks went on analysts’ fees. That’s why I came here. I had to get away from it all.
I am sorry, I had no idea. WeII, I must say, you seem to be very comfortable here.
Oh, it’s crazy. You want a drag?
No, thank you. I’m trying to give that up. Who are all these people?
They’re the high priests of the temple. Okay, Fred. Up it!
Ah jung! Ah mor!
Extraordinary performance. They seem to treat you like some kind of a goddess.
Well, I am the Celestial Virgin of the Sacred Altar.
Figuratively speaking, of course.
Of course. Some tea.
Ah, a cup of tea. Splendid.
It’s made from poppy seeds. Two cups of this and you’re stoned out of your mind.
Thank you.
You know, if you weren’t my dad…I think I could fancy you.
Well, that’s very good of you, my dear. Rather warm in here, don’t you think?
Cool it, Charlie! So you want me to go to Berlin, huh?
Now, Mata. You remember the old house on the Feldmannstrasse?
Yeah where Mum had her dancing school.
That has now become International Mothers’ Help. But that’s just a cover for its real function. It is…Does he speak English?
Hey, Charlie. Speak English?
No.
Good. It is a training center for what are commonly referred to as spies. Now your qualifications make you eminently suited to infiltrate the organization. Two weeks’ briefing in London and you’re off to Berlin.
Oh! You want me to be a spy like Mum, huh? Well…
Family tradition, my dear.
Do I get an exploding briefcase and a secret transmitter?
Haha that won’t be necessary.
Well, I have to have some equipment.
Your mother wiped out three divisions of infantry and five brigades of cavalry and…Well, frankly, she had much less equipment than you have.
If you have any problems, you must contact London immediately. Now are there any questions?
Well, I have got one question.
Yes?
How do I get to Berlin?
Haha, dear! Silly me. Taxi!
Where to?
Berlin.
East or West?
West, of course!
Oh, well, that’s all right, then.
Oh! Would you say goodbye to Dad for me?
Yes, well have a good trip! Jolly good luck!
Get out of it, you lunatic! What are you trying to do? Come on! Move. Get out of it. Get out the way! Go on!
That’ll be £482, 15 and 9 pence.
Well, you’ll have to wait.
Wait, look, I’ve been caught like that before for supper time. Haven’t had my dinner yet!
Well, I don’t have any change.
Oh, here we go! Oi! Oi! What about my dinner then, eh? What a liberty, you see that? Any fish and chip shops ’round here, mush?
Who are you? What do you want?
I’m, uh…here to enroll as a student.
What are your qualifications, mm?
I am the daughter of Mata Hari.
M-Mata Hari!
You are a liar.
Am I? Well, what about this, then?
Hehehe It’s my, my little Mata Hari! I told you she’d come back!
Silence! Or I will switch you off.
Oh! Not that! Anything but that.
You’re even more fascinating than your mother.
You must be Frau Hoffner, Mum’s teacher.
I had that honor.
You must be Polo.
She remembers me, her little Polo. She remembers me.
Welcome home, my child.
Welcome indeed…
Stop!
The Mata Hari School of Dancing is the only truly international school of espionage in the world.
In the world.
There is no political prejudice here.
Prejudice.
We train Russian spies for America…
America.
…and American spies for Russia.
Very democratic.
Very democratic. Some of the greatest spies in the world have graduated from this institution. Von Grudendorf, Malenvosky…
Peter Lorre, Bela Lugosi.
Here we have the decoding and cipher class.
A1! 2! A1! 3! B2! 4! B2! 7. B7. 5, 4.
We are even training animals as espionage agents.
Oh, really?
At this moment we have in the Kremlin a Russian-speaking parrot who is in constant radio communication with the Pentagon.
Fantastic!
Und here is our class in karate und self-defense.
Ya! Ya! Hi-yah!
If you’ll excuse me. I have an important conference to attend. Polo, you will show Mata to her room.
Please, follow me. Mata? Allow me.
Thank you.
Follow me. My…my battery needs recharging!
Might be your head needs examining.
No, I had that examined last week. This is your mother’s room. It has not been opened since the day she left here in 1916. You see? Nothing has been touched.
It’s a wild room. Hey, what an enormous bed!
The German army was very large in those days. Ah! To see you standing here in your mother’s room brings back such happy memories.
Here…what’s all this about…an important conference, hmm?
Psst! A representative of Le Chiffre is coming. Tonight.
Who is Le Chiffre?
Nobody knows. Not even Le Chiffre.
Aha! What’s the conference about then, hmm?
Le Chiffre is trying to raise money by selling his unique art collection.
Why does he need money?
He’s a compulsive gambIer, that’s why. Und he is using organization funds for his gambling!
You mean… Smersh?
Smersh! Shh! If he does not pay off his debts…he will be liquidated.
Liquidated? Who by?
By them.
You mean… Shh!
Shh! You’re so like your mother. You’re driving me mad.
Well, you haven’t got far to go.
Come to me! Come to me, my little Mata. Come to me! Come!
Bout time you were, uh, back in your box, innit?
You must forgive me. I Iose control of myself. I’m a mad fool. Mad!
You want an argument?
Remember, forget everything I tell you.
My lips are sealed.
Lips! Don’t say such words.
Run along, son. Le Chiffre… Mm-hm.
It’s the first john I’ve ever gone round with.
Ah, there you are. I have been looking for you. Mm… It is little Otto.
Who is he?
He was one of your mother’s lovers. We often find them lying around.
Is he dead?
Hard to tell. He always looked like that. Come along, child. The auction is about to begin.
Auction?
Tonight we are selling one of the finest art collections in Europe.
Le Chiffre’s collection.
Who?
Le Chiffre.
Who is Le Chiffre?
The man who owns the collection.
What art collection?
The collection that’s about to be auctioned.
Who said anything about an auction?
You did.
Who am I?
Frau Hoffner.
Never heard of her. You’re insane, my child. Quite insane.
I think she’s right.
Gentlemen! You may please take your seats and the auction will commence.
Thank you. Gentlemen, I am here tonight on behalf of my client Le Chiffre, of whom you’ve all have heard, to offer by auction this unique collection of art treasures. Are there any specific bidding instructions?
Our instructions are that when we are sitting, we are bidding. When we are standing, we are not bidding.
We’ll do our bidding sitting down. When we’re standing up, we’re not bidding.
We stand, we bid. We no stand, we no bid.
And, uh, the British representatives?
Well, I-I don’t know actually. Sort of, a bit of both, I suppose, really. Is that all right with you chaps?
That’s fine.
Very well, gentlemen. Now then. Gentlemen, this is an extraordinarily embarrassing item, one of the classic blackmail items of all time. What am I bid for this priceless picture?
Fourteen pounds, ten.
Three hundred rubles.
Three hundred rubles!
Thousand dollars.
One thousand dollars!
Two million Chinese dollars.
Two million Chinese dollars! Look at this masterpiece, gentlemen. Surely we can do better than that.
Psst! Here, what about my fare?
Get out!
Here!
Stop it!
Whatever you do, you must not let Le Chiffre raise the money.
Who are you?
I’m Carleton Towers of the F.O.
F.O.?
The Foreign Office, dear.
Wait outside and keep the motor running.
Righty-o!
Two hundred thousand American dollars!
One hundred thousand pounds!
A wagonload of vodka!
Seventy million tons of rice!
Sixty tons of caviar!
Thirty million trucks!
Hey! It’s war! Hello! Hello! Get me the Pentagon!
Hey, Fenella? Look, I’m afraid I shan’t be able to get back for dinner. Huh? Well, a sort of war’s broken out.
You should not have done this thing. Now, I will have to kill you.
Ohhh…
What…what are you doing to me? What?
Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh.
No! Positive, negative… never know which is which.
Give me those films. Oh!
She’s got the films! Grab her! Get her! Get her!
Ow! Now look here!
Taxi!
Tally-ho! Ow!
I’m sorry, madam!
Let me go! Taxi!
Over here! Here I am! Come on!
Good Lord! Captain Towers!
How nice to see you.
Ooh! This way!
“What’s new, pussycat? Woh woh-a-woh-oh…”
No, no! Down. No.
Where to, miss?
London!
Oh, good show!
Le Chiffre speaking.
The whole scheme was a failure. And also Dr. Noah knows what you’ve been up to. What now?
I’ll just have to… raise the money.
But how?
How? By playing baccarat.
But, but, Le Chiffre, what about me? What’s going to happen to me?
Thank you. And welcome to France, Monsieur Bond.
We don’t want our little taIk to be overheard. Get in the car.
Oh, there’s nothing to talk about, is there?
Perhaps. Perhaps not. The point is you must not allow yourseIf to become involved. Don’t forget there are many people here who loathe and despise you. I have to warn you, Bond, my instructions are that you play your game with Le Chiffre and leave immediately.
No one can be such a perverse idiot as to assault a customs official. It must be deliberate.
It may just be natural talent, sir.
I have to warn Vesper.
You mean James Bond 007, sir.
Yes, yes, yes.
Vesper? James Bond 007?
Hello, Sir James. Yes, I’m here.
I can’t see you. Your picture’s gone.
No, it hasn’t. I was just about getting into the bath.
Vesper, do you think Tremble could be a double agent?
He has enough trouble being a single agent. Leave him to me.
Right. Over and out.
Mr. Bond? Missed, Mr. Bond.
Yes…
I am Miss Goodthighs.
I can see that. You’ve got your cork still in your bottle.
So I have. What are you going to do about it?
Stick your arm out.
The management of the Hotel Tropical present their compliments, and hope you will enjoy your stay with us.
Mmm…I see.
Mmm…Very sexy pants you’re wearing, James.
Yes, they’re the new doubIe-0 fronts. Tell me, Miss, uh, Goodthighs, how much did you tip the porter to let you in here?
I just showed him a little kindness.
How much?
Not too much. He’s 83.
Oh. It’s a good year. So…What can I do for you?
The question should be what can I do for you?
Oh, have you got any suggestions?
This, for one. Tell me about yourself, James.
Oh, well. I’ve had some pretty wild times in my life. Um…Could you move over a bit? You’re lying on my loose change.
Mmm James, I need you.
Yes, yes, yes. Well, I can understand that, my dear. I can understand that.
I want to know you better.
You’re absolutely right. My goodness, this is strong shampoo. This really is. Look, I think I’d better freshen up a bit quick. I’ll, uh, be back in five minutes. If I’m not, start without me.
James Bond playing at Casino Royale
He won a lot of money and a gal at Casino Royale
Oh, he’s not really such a wonderful spy
But winning lots of money and a gal, he’s a fabulous guy
Evelyn! Evelyn! Evelyn! Evelyn! Evelyn! Evelyn! Evelyn, wake up! Up!
Huh? Huh? Huh?
Evelyn, what’s the matter? Wake up! You were drugged!
What?
You were drugged.
Yes, I-I-I know I was drugged. I put the antidote pill in. And then…Hey! I thought those antidote pills were supposed to give me 24-hour protection! Complete protection her told me! I’ve got to get Sir James Bond…
Oh, there is no time for such…Oh, Evelyn, look at you! You’re wearing your glasses and you know you’re not supposed to do that! James Bond doesn’t wear glasses.
Yes, I, but I…It’s just that I like to see who I’m shooting.
There are only a few hours Ieft before the game. Now, get freshened up, huh?
Here, what about Miss Goodthighs?
Don’t worry. I took care of her. Now concentrate on the game.
Vesper, I’ve given this game a lot of thought. And when I go into that casino tonight, I’m going to sit down opposite Le Chiffre, look him straight in the eye and say…YOW-HOO-HOO! HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE!
La-da-dee da-da-dum…La-da-dee
No cards.
Neuf à la banque.
It’s amazing! He never loses!
La banque gagne. La partie est terminée.
Quiet. Absolute silence, please. For this experiment, I require the assistance of a young lady from the audience, any lady at all. You, madam. Look me in the eyes! And you, Georges, keep your eyes on my chips. I present you with the levitation of the Princess Ayisha…an illusion taught to me by an ancient vegetarian…in the mountain fastnesses of Tibet. She feels no pain. My assistants will enshroud the young lady in this perfectly ordinary paisley shawl. Now will you all…place your hands on the table? Now let’s get the show off the ground. Keep your hand in place, madam, and continue to ascend…into thin air. Don’t take your eyes from her! Not one of you! It is by your perfect concentration that the young lady remains floating in thin air. Oh, excuse me, madam. Sorry to keep you hanging around! Hahaha!
Ah, monsieur. You wish to make a deposit?
Yes.
Eh, how much?
£100,000 sterIing.
One hundred thou…
You can keep the case with my compliments.
Why, thank you, monsieur. Uh, could we have the name, please?
Bond. James Bond.
James B…James Bond?
Yes, James Bond.
Yes, James Bond.
I wonder if you’d be kind enough to sign, uh, my autograph book. It’s not for me, you understand. It’s, um, my little sister.
I wonder if you’d be kind enough to put your autograph on that receipt for the £100,000 sterling, please.
But of course, Mr. Bond.
It’s not for me, it’s for somebody else. Now what happens?
First, we go to the casino director’s office.
Point me. Just point me.
What’s the matter?
Oh, nothing. Just a bit different from the Buckingham Club, that’s all.
Bond has arrived.
Bond is here. All staff on the alert. Come in.
Oh! Hello, how nice to see you again.
How are you?
May I introduce…
We have met.
We’ve met, uh,
Mr. SIymington-Jones, Mr. James Bond.
How do you do? Do make yourself comfortable.
I, uh, see you’ve put a tiger in your office.
Yes. I have several actually. That one that you so cleverly spotted, the head on the wall over there, and the one you’re about to trip over. Do be careful.
Yes.
The man in the white coat is Le Chiffre. Oh! Don’t be afraid. It’s a one-way mirror.
Which way?
That way.
No card.
No card. Neuf à la banque.
Mr. Bond. You can watch Le Chiffre better on here. He’s bought the bank for the evening, and he’s winning consistently. And showing off with his magic throughout.
Why the dark glasses?
Here.
So if Le Chiffre wears the same kind of glasses, he knows every card on the table!
Oh, yes, infrared glasses.
What a cheat! Listen, Evelyn. You win and Le Chiffre will almost certainly be killed by his organization.
But he’d try and avoid that, wouldn’t he?
If you win, yes.
How?
By trying to kill you.
As in dead?
Yes! But don’t worry about that now. Let’s go down there and you play the game of your life!
Yes, I better had. May not be too much more of it left. Hmm. Vesper…
Don’t worry. I’ll take care of you.
Well, then. It’s all under control now.
I hope so.
Yes. Well, excuse me.
Willingly.
Messieurs, faites vos jeux.
I believe you have my name in a crevice. James Bond.
Pardon, monsieur?
Uh, Bond hmhmmm…James Bond.
Oh, yes, Mr. Bond.
Bond? James Bond? The name is familiar.
I don’t believe I’ve had the…pleasure. Although, I’m flattered you’ve heard of me.
I have heard of you, but not as an expert on baccarat.
Well, I’m sorry you weren’t told.
Do you think that went unnoticed, Mr. Bond? I see everything that goes on at this table. Nothing escapes me.
I’m quite sure it doesn’t. But you know, we mustn’t forget that “the beggar who is sitting in the marketplace is completely deaf insomuch as far as listening to the song that is coming from the mockingbird is concerned.”
I’m sorry, Mr. Bond, I don’t get the connection.
Ah! You will, you will.
Sim sala bim.
When you’re quite ready.
For my next experiment, I require the use of a perfectly ordinary gentleman’s pocket handkerchief.
From the pocket of one perfectly ordinary gentleman.
That’s the, the kind of remark that leads to war. How much better for all humanity if all the nations could learn to live together in peace.
Oh! Marvelous, marvelous.
Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!
More!
Hip, hip, hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Yippee! Hooray!
Oh, I…That-that’s finished, is it? Oh, fantastic. Wonderful. Incredible! Incredible, isn’t it? Absolutely marvelous. I’ve never seen anything like it. And now if you’re ready, Monsieur Le Chiffre, I would like to play baccarat. I use the Evelyn Tremble method.
Oh! You read Tremble. I thought he’d only published a few paperback editions.
Eh, well, I have an autographed first edition. A bit dog-eared now, mind you, I’ve been through it a few times but it nevertheless has a certain…
Uninformed quality?
Six à la ponte et neuf à la banque. La banque gagne.
He just keeps winning.
Aren’t you a little out of your depths, Mr. Bond? In the last 20 minutes I have ruined two Greeks and a maharajah. No, Mr. Bond, we aren’t playing for marbles. The night is young and the rose garden is already littered with my victims.
Yes, but the “beggar who sit in marketplace are deaf to song of nightingale.”
You amuse me, Mr. Bond.
I’m glad you’re enjoying me.
Shall we, uh, double the bank?
If it’ll improve your game.
Pas de cartes. No card. Sept à la banque.
Itt’s amazing! He never loses!
Cinq à la ponte. La banque gagne.
What about one for the road?
It looks as though luck isn’t on your side of the road tonight, old man.
She has a habit of moving around.
Then we might as well double the bank again.
Suppose I were to treble it?
Treble it? You haven’t any chips!
Oh, uh…I think my credit’s good.
Bond credit good.
The bank now stands at 50 million francs.
Very well. Goodbye, Mr. Bond. It’s been nice knowing you.
Pas de cartes? No card. Baccarat.
He lost!
La ponte gagne.
Goodbye, Monsieur Le Chiffre. It was nice knowing you.
Let’s not say goodbye, Mr. Bond. Let’s just say au revoir.
Lovely!
Credit my account, would you?
La partie est terminée.
A remarkabIe performance, Mr. Bond.
Thank you very much. Trifle unusual, perhaps, but, uh…
How would you like the money?
A check in any Swiss bank.
Would you like the check now?
Oh, yes now.
Yes, now. Yes.
I’ll arrange it with the cashier. You can pick it up as you go out. Excuse me.
Willingly.
Mr. Bond, uh, what are your movements for the rest of the evening?
Oh, uh, we thought we’d have a bite to eat in the restaurant, then back to the hotel.
And you’re leaving Royale first thing in the morning.
Are we?
The inspector isn’t asking us. He’s telling us.
Oh.
A police car will escort you from the hotel to the airport.
Mr. Mathis.
Yes?
There’s something been worrying me, uh, you’re a French police officer and yet you have a Scot’s accent.
Aye. It worries me, too.
Psst!
Haven’t by any chance seen a young lady in a green dress have you?
Uh, let me see sir. Eh, wouId that be a lady with a black bag over her head, being manhandled by two unsavory gentlemens?
CouId very well be, yes.
She went that way, sir. In a car. A very fast car!
Moss?
Yes, sir.
Look!
Yes, sir.
Follow that car!
Yes, sir.
I’II use Fangio next time. Idiot! “Grand Prix enthusiasts may be worried by the amount of time it’s taken me to get into this Lotus Formula Three. What they don’t realize is, that although Le Chiffre thinks he has a faster car than me, I am faster in my Lotus Formula Three! Hee-hee!”
Wake up, Mr. Bond. Wake up. Well, now, Mr. Bond. You’ve had your little victory at the baccarat table. Now it’s my turn. Now I’m going to have to have that check, Mr. Bond. Smersh is going to be very unhappy about that money.
You mean you’re going to torture me?
Persuade you, Mr. Bond. Persuade you. Don’t worry about that chair with the hole in the middle. It’s merely waiting to be reupholstered.
By me.
You have an inventive mind, Mr. Bond. But my methods are much more subtle. They have to be.
What are you going to do?
Physically, I’m not going to do anything.
Oh, you’re going to nothing me to death.
Torture of the mind. The most exquisite torture is all in the mind.
Mind. Mind. Mind. Mind. Mind. Mind. Mind. Mind. Mind. Mind. Mind. Mind. Mind. Mind. I’m going to have to have that check, Mr. Bond. I’m going to have to have that check, Mr. Bond. Check, Mr. Bond. Check. Check. Check. Check, Mr. Bond. Check. Check. Check, Mr. Bond.
Suppose Mr. Bond isn’t ready to give it to you?
You are a tiresome little man. Let’s try another approach. It’s a beauty contest, Mr. Bond. You’re supposed to pick the winner.
Excuse me. Are you Richard Burton?
No, I’m Peter O’Toole.
Then you’re the finest man that ever breathed.
Oh, look.
God bless you, sir.
Thank you.
You’ve changed my plans, Miss Lynd. But neither you nor Bond will Ieave here till I get that check!
Mr. Tremble? Never trust a rich spy!
Le Chiffre, you’re a fool. Smersh believed you could win at baccarat.
All I need is 24 hours!
It’s too late.
Oh, Daddy, I do so long to meet him. All the girls do. He really turns me on.
Did that finishing school teach you to talk like that?
No, I taught them. Oh, do be a pet, daddy.
Now, be a good girl, run along and watch the Changing of the Guard.
I bet Mummy would have taken me in.
Mummy took everyone in.
Hey! Put me down! Put me down!
What is it, a film?
Must be a commercial.
No time for window-gazing, Moneypenny. Mata’s been kidnapped.
But, Sir James…
That’s an unidentified flying object, clever of you to notice it. And there’s a squadron of our fastest jets trying to track it down. Control?
That’s the canteen.
Oh. Control! Contact all operatives immediately. We must find out where it lands.
Hold on. Air Ministry. They’ve lost it.
What do you mean you’ve lost it? You were right on its tail! Well, surely you must have one plane fast enough…I see. They stopped building those last week. Come in?
I wonder if you’d care to help us.
Could you come back a little…
Oh, yes. Do please come in, Sister.
It’s our annual collection for needy girls. Your receipt? This department has always been very helpful to needy girls.
That’s strange. We’ve never had a receipt before.
“They’re taking your daughter to Casino Royale. Sister McTarry.” The Prime Minister, urgently.
Daddy’ll come after me.
That’s what we’re hopin’.
You won’t get away with this!
Move to the door, Mata Bond. You’re a prisoner of Smersh. We already have most of your father’s agents here. You will complete the set.
Looks like a Smersh convention.
Monsieur le directeur wishes to see you urgently. It is about your daughter.
Tactic 4B if necessary.
I will tell him you are here.
Hold it! Back up! Face the curtains! March!
You are now entering the Smersh headquarters of Dr. Noah.
Tactic 33A. Now!
Hahahaha! Operation James Bond completed.
Dr. Noah, I presume. Why don’t you come out and face me?
Because you are going to come in and face me.
Sir!
Moneypenny!
This is an historic day in our saga, Sir James. The day Smersh finally eliminated the original James Bond. His world wiII soon follow.
This is all very impressive.
You might be even more impressed to meet one of my thousand doubles. Waiting for the moment when I command them to take over the world.
It’s fantastic. May I take a closer look?
It’s quite perfect.
Good Lord! It’s my nephew.
Jimmy Bond?!
This explains the Caribbean assignment. Is this some kind of a joke?
He can’t speak!
Never could in my presence. Psychological block he’s had since childhood, based on hero worship.
He’s Dr. Noah?
My nephew the head of Smersh? You mean that I have been bombed, bullied and baited out of retirement to deal with you?
Do you suppose he’s a junkie?
Leave this to me. Now, Jimmy, as your uncle I really must insist…
What is it?
He put a sheet of invisible glass between us. I never should have let Nellie send him to progressive school. What’s that? Dr. Noah’s bacillus? Now, Jimmy, even you wouldn’t release germ warfare.
Handle these capsules with care. Dr. Noah’s bacillus is highly contagious. This germ, when distributed in the atmosphere, will make all women beautiful and destroy all men over four foot six. Please handle these capsules with care…
So that’s your plan, huh? A world full of beautiful women and all men shorter than yourself. Good evening. All this trouble just to make up for your feeling of sexual inferiority? I’m beginning to think you’re a trifle neurotic.
Maybe you can explain me. Why was I abducted from the roulette table and subjected to this, whatever it is?
Because, of all Uncle James’s 007s, you’re the most beautiful and desirable.
Do you treat all the girls you desire this way?
Yes! Oh, yes, I undress them and tie them up.
Oh, you do.
Yes, I learned that in the Boy Scouts.
Lovely.
Let me ask you a question. Do I appear menacing to you at all? What are you laughing at?
Nothing. I just think…Did you ever see yourself in the mirror lately? Oh, I think you should. You are a wretched, grotesque, ridiculous, insignificant little monster.
Are you saying to me that you find Uncle James more attractive than I am?
Uncle James, he’s a real man! Wow!
Do you realize that anything Uncle James can do I can do better?
Ah, that will be the day. You’re crazy. You are absolutely crazy.
They called Einstein crazy.
That’s not true, no one ever called Einstein crazy.
Well, they would have if he carried on like this.
People respected Einstein.
Einstein could never have conceived of something like this. It looks like an aspirin, it tastes like an aspirin, but it’s not an aspirin.
It’s cyanide.
This pill contains 400 tiny little time pills. They go off in the body in little explosions forming a chain reaction, and turn the person into a waIking atomic bomb. Einstein’s bomb was crude. This is brilliant!
It’s crude to tie up women.
Listen, in a week it’ll be April Fools’ Day, my birthday.
Uh-huh.
On that day the order goes out to have all world leaders assassinated and my doubles take their places. In five days’ time I’ll be ruler of the Earth. Ha! How would you like to be my co-ruler?
Why not?
What do you mean why not? You hate me!
Oh, I don’t know. I’m beginning to wonder if the real genius of the Bond family is not right here in the room with me now? Why don’t you unIock me?
Yes, yes I will! I’ll unlock you immediately and we’ll run amok.
Oh, thank you!
If you’re too tired, we’ll walk amok.
Oh, I’m so sorry for all the things I said. I didn’t really mean it.
Yes, you’re forgiven.
Oh, the dress! Thank you!
Here, here. Slip into this.
Just one more thing. Oh!
No. Yes, I don’t want to damage any of your parts.
Oh, oh thanks! Ooh! Thank you. Now, turn yourself like a nice fool while I slip this on.
Yes. Yes, I’ll wait over here. This’ll show Sir James once and for all which of us has the perfect body. The poor boob! Hurry, my dear. I’m – I, I have great pIans for us.
It’s vaporized lysergic acid. It’s highly explosive.
You are now entering Dr. Noah’s personal aircraft, where our beloved leader has assembled an incredible collection of the world’s most distinguished doubles.
Dr. Noah’s jet orbital space plane welcomes you aboard.
Hey!
Yeah she’s a great Iikeness, isn’t she? I copied her right down to the last, uh…The two of us have had some profoundly moving religious experiences.How do you like this place? I had a decorator help me with it but I worked with her.
Here, your leader has remolded ordinary agents and fashioned them into replicas of the worlds greatest figures in culture, politics and the arts.
Look! They’re uncovered!
These are not doubles! These are the real people. I’ve already substituted my robots for them. At this very minute the world is being ruled by duplicates under my control.
Oh well, that explains a lot of things.
Your rain-cooIed Taittinger, sir.
The drink! And…for you.
Think of it!
Madame!
A world free of poverty and pestilence and war. A world where all men are created equal. Where a man, no matter how short, can score with a top broad. Where each man, regardless of race, creed, color, gets free dental work and a chance of subscription-buying of all the good things in life.
But, Noah, you are for all this?
No, no. I’m against all this.
Oh, I Iove politics! To your future!
I’ll drink to that. My very special champagne.
With your very special pill in it.
What are you talking about?
It looks like an aspirin, it tastes like an aspirin, but it isn’t an aspirin. And you just swallowed it.
You’re lying. Hic!
398 more of those little pills to go off! Have a real bomb of an evening!
Alka Seltzer!
Right?
Hup!
Blow it!
Charge!
Hic!
Delightful vintage, sir.
297…
Smooth to the palate.
Here. There’s a fish in my mixture. You fool!
Ooh, I say! Super place for a coming-out party!
Now now, Mata. Through here! Down! Look! Quick, before the fuel burns out.
Try not to look conspicuous. Good Lord! It’s one of ours.
Oh, sir! Sir, we’ve got to get out of here before he blows up!
We’ve got to find that office.
What office?
The one we came down in, of course. Leave this to me. Where’s the office? The office.
Come on! Quick.
That’s very civil of you, sir. Thank you.
Come on, give me a hand!
Look out!
Follow me! Charge!
Mata, put your finger in the tiger’s ear!
Tiger’s what?!
It works the doors! Good.
What’s the strategy, sir?
Get out of the bloody place before it blows up.
Everybody stay close behind me.
Oh no, not me, I’m not chancing that casino again. I’d rather slide down a drainpipe!
Beautiful, but no stamina.
Get the girls out here first, back way.
Right, sir.
I’m sorry I got you into this.
Good heavens, Daddy. I couldn’t have enjoyed it more.
Good show.
Over there.
Clear the building immediately. It’s liable to blow up.
Blow up?!
I want London. Whitehall double-0, 07.
Too bad you won’t get it, Sir James. I went through a lot of trouble to bring you here.
Dear Vesper. The things you do for money.
This time it’s for love, Sir James.
Don’t expect…
Back to the office.
The American aid, sir. It’s arrived.
Hic! 80. Hic! 79.
Geronimo!
Yeeeooow!
Hic! 51.
Glad we could be of help, sir.
Good Lord! Ransome, isn’t it?
A-OK, Sir James. CIC at CIA.
Well, don’t start all that again. I haven’t worked out your last lot yet.
Excuse me, sir. As you were saying, sir?
A-OK, Ransome. A-OK.
Ciao.
Ciao.
Hic! 37.
Les Français sont arrivés.
I beg your pardon?
Les Français sont là.
I’m sorry, my French is rather rusty.
Moment. “The French have arrived.”
Ah, splendid. Thank you. Look out!
Merde!
What? The book.
“Ouch!”
Ah. This way!
Police!
Merde! Non… Ouch!
I’ve been framed. This gun shoots backwards. I just killed myseIf.
Hic! 18. Wait! Hic! 17. Hic!
Hic! Four. Hic! Three. Hic! Two. Hic!
Seven James Bonds at Casino Royale
They came to save the world and win the gal at Casino Royale
Six of them went to a heavenly spot
The seventh one is going to a place where it’s terribly hot
The formula is safe with old 007
He’s got a redhead in his arms
Though he’s a lover, when you are in trouble
Have no fear, look who’s here
James Bond!
They’ve got us on the run
With guns and knive
We’re fighting for our lives
Have no fear, Bond is here
He’s going to save the world at Casino Royale
At Casino Royale!
The formula is safe with old 007
He’s got a redhead in his arms
Though he’s a lover, when you are in trouble
Have no fear, look who’s here
James Bond!
They’ve got us on the run
With guns and knives
We’re fighting for our lives
Have no fear, Bond is here
He’s going to save the world at Casino Royale
James Bond is here
So have no fear